Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Grieving a Loss

I have lived a blessed life. Why? I have gained far more in my life than I have lost.

Yet, even the losses I have experienced were turned into gains, but not without a price. I have grieved over the loss of romantic relationships, the death of a dear friend and brother, and loss of my childhood. It was the latter that I had no idea I lost it until years after it was gone.

I grew up in a loving family who provided for my health and well being. I had an earthly and spiritual father who "guided me in the way I should go." I was given time every day to create and explore my imagination, and boy did I ever do that. Hours spent building snow forts, forts in the forest, awesome fort in the backyard and forts out of legos. I had friends to create and explore with too.

Years into my adulthood I used to have visions of being young and free again; a child with no concerns of money, loneliness, or even future. I could see myself in the field across the street from the house I grew up in, the grass there grew up taller than my head. It was summer. Warm.

Several years ago I revisited this place in my memory. Not on purpose, but because a friend of mine described what he saw in a vision. Me standing in a field, young and free, with no concerns. I wept when he told me what he saw and I still tear up now as I think of it. I wept because what he described is something that is no more. In that moment I wasn't sure what was happening. Months later I realized what it was. I had grieved the loss of my childhood. Something I had not done up to this point in my adult years.

A loss of innocence.

I wonder what it's like to be a parent. Do you get to relive some of that freedom and innocence through your children? If only for a short time of course, as our children grow up and turn into adults themselves. Yet, our children our apart of us, so it makes sense to me.

Anyways, check this out if you have some time. I think it captures a lot of what I am trying to express in this post.